I probably should have seen this coming. I write a long treatise on how honor scores don't mean as much these days, then walk into my home center to hear from one of the managers, "The new oil pattern for the second half is out on the lanes. You should try it, it's EASIER!" That's followed by Stan (the Lane Man) saying he wants to double the number of 300's rolled in the house this year as compared to last year. He said he put out a shot with even MORE recovery area outside, as if we needed it.
Of course I can't let this go without comment. I remember the words, "Doesn't 'more 300's' translate into '300's are that much more meaningless?'" and "Thanks for making our sport more irrelevant!" coming out of my mouth, followed by a suggestion that games be fifteen frames long so a "perfect" score is once again an achievement worthy of jewelry.
I understand why a center would do this. It's good for business. Bowlers who score better the second half of the season are then more likely to participate in summer leagues and patronize the center in general. The center makes more money, the bar makes more money,....
...and I don't learn a damn thing about how to bowl. Maybe I'm crazy, but I want to know as much as I can. That means rolling on shots that challenge me, that don't reward mediocrity. If I pull a ball, it should go brooklyn or through the nose, not like a frozen rope to the pocket. Likewise, spraying one to the gutter should leave something ugly. As it stands now, if I DROP the ball in the right spot, I have a good chance to strike. I can hit any of six boards with inconsistent ball speed and hand position and have a good chance at success. How am I going to get more consistent on a shot that does not particularly require consistency?
Unfortunately, people like me don't pay the light bill. Happy customers who score well, quartermania, and birthday parties do. Cater to people like me too much and you might as well turn the center into a "bowling dojo"; make all who enter wear robes and colored belts denoting rank and skill level. It would be as inviting to people as a Scientology recruitment office. And about as fun.
A while later the center manager strolled into the pro shop and told me about several new leagues starting up this month, including a PBA Experience league. I'm not inclined to believe him, but I want to. Badly. If this comes to pass I'll totally shut my whine-hole on this. Promise.
It's been so slow at "regular" work that I did something drastic - I went to bowl.com. The site is great if I have a rules question or need information on how to be a lane inspector (which, If my area is ever to have a sanctioned sport league, I'll have to do), but is generally a dry read otherwise. On the front page is a news report that on Dec. 21st ANOTHER 900 was bowled. Under that was a listing for a story about Chaz Dennis, the youngest person to roll 300 at ten years, two months, and twenty-seven days. And under THAT was a story from six months ago about Robert Mushtare's appearance on ESPN's Outside The Lines, discussing his two 900's and the ensuing controversy over their legitimacy. I know I'm a little late to the party on this, but allow me to elaborate on a few things:
Pre-Bowling Honor Scores Are A Joke
Robert Mushtare is probably a nice guy. He probably is a skilled bowler. But he doesn't deserve to be honored for essentially keeping score while practicing. Watch the video. In rolling his two certified 900's he didn't even pre-bowl with anyone. I could take his scores a little more seriously if he had 1) the rest of a team to bear witness to the achievement(s), and 2) he had to wait his turn as part of a team, rather than get into the "practice trance" and roll ball after ball. Call me crazy, but that type of thing makes a big difference.
Do I think he cheated? No. Do I think that he rolled a 900? Possibly. Did he do it in a "competitive league" setting? Absolutely not. Do I think he should recieve anything other than a hug from his dad and a free soda from the snack bar? Hell no. If you're not doing it in front of other bowlers, if you don't have to deal with the rest of the house stopping for you as you take the last shot and the deafening silence of a bunch of people holding their breath, you might as well be doing it in your living room. The fact that the USBC showed no spine in validating the scores, dodging both a potential lawsuit and a real opportunity to set some glaring deficiencies in the rulebook straight, is a travesty, and another reason why bowling scores don't mean as much as it should.
I was under the impression that honor scores were "honorable" because they were accomplished in the heat of and under the pressure of competition. I've rolled a 300 outside of league, but I'm not asking a local, state or national organization to validate my practice because there were no witnesses, not to mention there was no real pressure on me. In the video Mushtare says, "I know what I did...I don't need a hundred people to validate what I did." Oh really? But you do need the USBC to validate it! I'll bet those "hundred other people" want a little more proof than your word that you did what no one else has EVER done.
Thankfully, this issue cannot rear its ugly head as the USBC voted to no longer award honor scores accomplished in pre-bowling. But the fact remains that Mushtare is in the record books and Glenn Allison is not. Compare how Mushtare's 900 certifications were handled with the lengths the old ABC went to to nullify Allison's 900 (which was bowled on a league night with many witnesses). Maybe it's me, but I don't get the sense of real thoroughness on the part of the USBC, given that, like Allison, no one had ever done something like this before. As Jim Hylton, roller of the fifth approved 900, has said of the USBC, "They can take $20 a year for our memberships, they can award us with rings that you can find on eBay for $1, but yet, they can't smell a rat."
Honor Scores Are A BIGGER Joke
Now take a look at the highest scores bowled this year other than the four 900's. Look pretty high, don't they? The next eight in the "adult male high series" catagory are all 880+, which is, almost or exactly, THIRTY-FIVE FREAKING STRIKES in three games! Insanity. The youth male scores are almost as ludicrous. This is the sort of scoring that almost no one approached, now it's almost routine?
And what about when a ten year old can bowl a 300 game and almost a 800 series bowling two-handed? Something is really screwed up. Now, it's possible this kid is a once-in-a-lifetime prodigy. Time will tell. Until then, and looking from an outside perspective, the score casts a pall over every other honor score posted in this age of supercharged balls and adult bumper bowling lane conditions. (Including mine. Frankly, I got away with murder on my 300. Strikes 3, 5 and 12 were gifts from Track and the lane man.) Seriously, what does it mean to bowl an honor score if a kid can do it? And it's not like he's the only child to do it; he beat the old record, held by ten year old Michael Tang, by a mere TWENTY days!
League Scores Should Be "Honored" Less
Is there something to be done? Tough question. Those that have yet to roll a perfect game are at this very moment yelling into their monitors that I'm an ingrate and a judas, and suggesting that the game get harder (more difficult oil, ball restrictions, whatever) to restore the credibility of honor scores is enough for them to take up arms. I'm of the opinion that there should be levels of achievement, based on lane condition and circumstance. Honor scores on house shots are still awarded, but in a less substantial way than ones bowled on sport shots and in competition. What those awards would be should be left to the professionals; left up to jackasses like me, there would be the "Official USBC House Shot 300 Hug" and "The 800 Cake". Rings and other metals would be reserved for those that took up the challenge on a harder shot, and would be given out by the hundreds every year, rather than by the thousands like today. I'm sure cooler heads could come up with something more reasonable.
Will this piss some people off? Hell yes, especially those bowlers who are deluded enough to think they as good as the guys on TV because they have a 220 league average. They're not, and a tiered system of awards will give them a realistic sense of where they stand. (If karate can have system to differentiate the badass black-belts from the newbies, why can't bowling?) It will also inform "regular" people about the difference in difficulty in bowling, that lane oil patterns matter, and in some cases, THAT LANE OIL EVEN EXISTS! The other part of bowling's "credibility gap" is most people simply don't have any idea about oil patterns, ball choices, and technique adjustments. They only see that bowlers in their own center can post a score as high as the pros. This position hurts everyone in the long run.
I can't express this more clearly: I don't want to take anything away from everyone who has rolled an honor score in this age of technology. (This includes myself. Rolling perfect is right up there with losing my virginity and touching Angus Young with my bare hand in the category of Greatest Nights Of My Life.) It still takes practice, determination, and poise under pressure to achieve. But I would gladly give back my genuine Siladium 300 ring today or for the chance to regularly test myself on a lane that didn't give me the nagging feeling that I'm getting away with something. (Those of you in Sport and PBA Experience leagues, count your blessings.)
It's 11:23AM, Christmas morning, and I just found out James Brown, The Godfather of Soul, is dead. The rest of my family could give two shits, but for me, the holiday has officially ended. This isn't some random celebrity passing; this is one of the five most influential musicians of the second half of the twentieth century. All of rock music is indebted to his catalog. Ask Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. Listen to Bob Seger's Live Bullet, The MC5, and every other white guy playing music between after 1965. They stole freely and mightily from it, and thank god they did.
Funk music (and it's bastard child, disco, and ITS bastard children, house and electronica) is his creation. Ask George Clinton about it. His BAND was James' before it was his. And see if Prince has anything to add.
Hip-hop simply doesn't exist without him. The entire genre is a direct homage to the driving, trance-inducing beats that were James Brown's brainchild and trademark, the bulk of early rap music was built on James Brown samples, and the cross-pollenization of Rock and Hip-Hop merely completes the circle he started. From Sugar Hill Gang to Kid Rock, he's the shit.
One of my more prized possessions is the four-CD box-set Star Time. There was a period of several years where, before every record company put out retrospectives of every artist known to man, James Brown music in its original form was nearly impossible to find. His records were out of print, reissue CD's had yet to be reissued. I looked in every used record store and consignment shop to no avail. Then, around 1992, I heard about Star Time, but it was pricey for me at the time (lame restaurant job, little money, etc.). Then one day at work I nearly cut my right index finger off making a tub of salad. After the shift, my finger still bleeding, I went across the street to the record store and put it on the credit card, like it was my reward for being careless with a knife. I spent the afternoon freaking out in my living room, thinking I'd hit the lottery.
Nowadays, James can be found everywhere. I encourage you to honor his memory and go get you some. His presence make any room brighter, any dancefloor busier, any party more happening. Unless you're dead inside. Seriously, listen to "Get On The Good Foot" or "Sex Machine". If you're not moving, check your pulse, seek medical attention. You may have lost your soul.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006, 11:28 AM EST [General]
So the pro shop is predictably en fuego this holiday season. Business has been good and people in the area seem to be warming to the idea of a pro shop that's open more than thirteen hours a week. (Yes, that's a petty dig at the other shop in town, and not very Christmas-y. My bad.)
As part of this tidal wave of commerce, my friend Lee came in on Saturday to buy an Ebonite Angular One, dilled to "go long and snap." (By the way, the day that someone comes in to get a ball drilled "that reads early with a smooth gradual arc" I'll write 1500 words on it, right after I regain conciousness.) I drill the ball up and send him out to lane 22 - about the middle of the 32-lane center - to try it out. And it doesn't move at all, not a board. This sends me into a small panic attack, that somehow I had a brainfart and drilled up a $200 boat anchor. Then I remembered it's possible that someone didn't get up early enough to break out the lane oiler, and I'm seeing the effects of 12+ hours of carrydown.
I walk down the gutter cap to get a look at the end of the oil pattern and, sure enough, it looks like the bottm of a ski run. You can't even tell where the oil was supposed to stop. There's just a bunch of little tracks on what is now effectively a 45 foot pattern. EXCEPT for the six inch wide swath of unmolested oil on the left side of the lane. I started giggling like a schoolgirl. Not that I needed it, but I had a solid visual of just why lefties have it good in bowling. And luckily, that is literally "how I roll".
(To conclude the boat anchor story, I moved Lee to a less-used pair, and the "snap" revealed itself. He was happy, and in that spirit, he bought his son a ball and bag as well. The cash register thanks you, my friend.)
I've come to the conclusion that I like Thanksgiving more than Christmas, mostly because it's less disruptive to my schedule. You can give thanks, eat great food, and be around friends and family without having to stress out about what-gift-to-get-for-whom. That said, I don't want to sound like a scrooge, so I'm giving thanks this holiday for the the good things in my life:
The 300 I rolled on March 11 (my first)
The bowling center that reopened two miles from my house
The two guys (Marty and Lynn) who hired me to work in the pro shop in the aforementioned center
That AC/DC's Back In Black is the fifth best-selling album of all time, and that it came out in my lifetime
That Kegel Training Center is two hours away from my house and that I have a half-day lesson worth of credit there (All praise due to the immortal Randy Stoughton. And sorry about the food poisoning, damn all-you-can-eat buffet...)
That I'm left-handed in a sport where that type of thing matters.
The last one isn't meant to be a jab (although I have to admit the title of this particular post was a hook to get most of you mad enough to read it), but I am done making apologies for a genetic twist of fate. It is what it is. I suppose it all evens out in the end, karmawise - right-handers have to deal with more variable lane conditions and lefties deal with righties' anger about that. C'est la vie.
Now, you want to see something funny? Pay attention the next time two lefties are on the same pair. Watch our confused and disgusted faces as the oil breaks down in the middle of the second game. We're useless in situations like that, like the endless circling of a jet ski without a driver. And three or more of us? Just stick dunce caps on us and wipe the drool off our mouths.
That mental image is my gift to you. Seriously, have a Merry Christmas and get home safe.
Thursday, December 14, 2006, 05:15 PM EST [General]
Ever feel like a fraud? Like you are an interloper in a place/profession/situation you are vastly underqualified for? Like you're one minute away from being discovered, then being told to get lost? That's what I felt like walking into the bowling alley last night. A week ago, a friend of a friend came into the pro shop and inquired about purchasing some lessons. Unlike in times past, when I might make excuses for why we haven't gotten it together regarding pricing and availability, I said we do. Then I made up a price right there, and he accepted. I swear I had an out-of-body feeling, like I was watching myself do this, and part of my brain was yelling, "You idiot! You don't know how to do that! What are you thinking?!?!" But by the it was too late. The date was set and I figured it would work out somehow.
It's not like I've never given bowling advice before, mind you. It's that this was the first that 1) I'd be payed for it and 2) there would be solid expectations of progress that would coincide with said payment. It's one thing to tell a friend in practice to knee bend rather than bend at the waist or stop-being-a-puss-and-throw-the-damn-thing, it's another to take a stranger's game in your hands and not destroy it. And quite frankly, going in to last night I had grave doubts about my abilities.
Luckily for me, I ran into my friend Mike the hour before the lesson. I told him the deal and how I didn't think I knew enough to be giving lessons. His response: "Well, you didn't know shit about drilling when you started, either." Well put. You gotta start somewhere.
(As an aside, how do you work in or own a pro shop and NOT end up coaching? To me, it's criminal to drill a ball for someone without seeing them roll first, and it's just as bad to drill a ball for someone then turn them loose without seeing how they respond to the new balls roll. And if you're doing that, it's inevitable that you'll be giving the equivelant of lessons, especially if the bowler is making a big change, like going from conventional to fingertip grip, buying thier first reactive ball, etc. You run the real risk of confusing the customer to the point that they either stop coming to you because the ball you sold him "doesn't work" or they get frustrated trying to learn on their own and gradually lose interest in the sport altogether. Not to mention the extra cash you're throwing away.)
As it turned out, the lesson went well. I concentrated on setup and aiming points, and general ideas on adjusting and spare shooting. He was happy, shoved a hundred bucks in my hand and now I have a Wednesday date for the next couple of weeks. Egads, what have I started. Wish me luck.
